This week has been difficult. I spent the whole weekend packing boxes for my big move next weekend. My sister and her man have also decided to stay in the apartment until June (joy). My sister seems stricken every time I move a box or separate out dishes. She is really torn by the whole thing. One minute she's fighting me over who brought that set of bowls, and the next she is standing in my doorway trying not to cry telling me that she wishes I was staying. She and her fiance have been fighting. While it might not be more than usual, it's really hard seeing my sister go into what I call "cage-fighter" mode. She doesn't want to be touched. She doesn't want to be comforted. She wants to bitch and yell and make snide comments while he's out of the house. I asked her if maybe she should post-pone wedding stuff for a while, but her response was:
You don't understand. We've already put the deposit down. Marriage stuff is tough. There's too much invested in this for me to just walk away now.
I worry about her. I worry she's going to sacrifice herself and what she wants to make him happy and because it's "easier." I hate that. My sister is one of those bright shiny lights that people are drawn to. I don't want her light to be dimmed, no matter how sweet the guy is to her normally. I'm also scared that in 5 years, after her first kid or so, she's going to decide it's all too much and the big D will come into play.
Moving sucks. Packing pisses me off and sends me into rage mode. DA has been nothing but supportive of me this whole time. Sometimes I feel like people get placed in my life to handle the emotional blows when I just can't. This weekend was a weekend apart for us.
In the past few weeks he "unofficially" lost his job. His job, the horrible demonic telesurvey company that they are, announced his entire department was to be put "on call" due to lack of available work. This means, that the measly 4 hours he was getting a day were rapidly cut to nothing. I had a panic attack...that's putting it very lightly. I called. I screamed. I begged. I yelled. I cried. I screamed some more. DA took it in stride. There was nothing the man could do but job hunt. So, job hunt he did. I will admit I was not very supportive (try screaming at him through the phone for about 15 minutes a day), but I offered him as many suggestions as I could. Lo and behold, he finds a call center job and is hired on the spot at his second interview. The drama lead to him not having enough money for him to come up for the weekend. My broke ass couldn't truly afford it either, as I'm (as mentioned) moving in a week.
Being apart sucks. I'm used to 5 days of this crap, but 12 is pushing it. We talk on the phone nights, but I need to be with him. I'm so proud of him for the job. He will now be working two jobs during the week and spending weekends with me. The man deserves a fucking medal for this.
I went to my Best Friend's Husbands B-day party last night. Coastguard was surprisingly in attendance (as BFF says she hadn't heard from him) and his first questions to me were:
1) Where is DA?
2) Are you still together?
DA laughed when I told him this via phone, and the various other veiled threats that come out of Coastguard's mouth. I tend to avoid the parts where Coastguard hits me in the ass with a coiled towel or messes with my low-cut shirt because he think it's "funny." DA has told me to inform Coastguard that if he wishes to keep all his pieces below the waist, he needs to knock it off. It makes me feel good that DA sees me as a girl worth fighting for (Mulan flashbacks).
So, I should go into the title of this article, right?
Handfasting is basically a "Witch-Wedding" for lack of a more sophisticated term. A couple comes together and is bound together (sometimes literally) and declares their intentions to remain together.
One night while lying in bed, DA mentioned that I was the only girl he'd ever really thought of being Handfasted to.
This is a very big deal, I should mention. We are both from insanely dysfunctional families when it comes to marriage. His mom has been married 4 times, my mom 3. We've both seen our parents get cheated on or be the cheater. We've both seen screaming fights and been the ones to comfort and assist our mothers when they could not stand alone. Our camaraderie is semi-off-putting. I should mention again that I've been "unofficially" engaged twice. I have rings. I had dates. It just was never anything super official. We didn't go buy the Martha Stewart Wedding Planners or join TheKnot.com together. We just...agreed.
DA is serious when he says that he wants to Handfast me. Of course, it is not something to be entered into lightly. In most circles, it is seen as a real marriage, or as a test-run for a marriage. For most rituals, the binding lasts a year and a day. However, I have seen this changed to say "forever and a day" or "as long as our love may last." It's kind of a big deal around here. He's gone so far as to tell me that if his Wiccan Priest friend wasn't currently stationed off the coast of WA state, he'd ask him to perform the ceremony now.
This scares the fuck out of me, and I've voiced this to him. First, I am not officially a pagan. Second, for several years, I have come and gone as I've pleased. Since the initial breakup of my "one true love" or here to be known as "Dipshit Eternal" I have been seemingly floating in and out of relationships. A year here, six months there, a week; my dating life is evidently talked about and openly mocked among my friends when I'm not around. Thankfully, my best friend tells me this shit. I discovered that one woman, one who desperately seeks attention from me but insults me daily, has taken to calling DA "flavor of the week." Keep in mind, we've been together for almost 3 months and this was the first weekend we've spent apart from each other...Oh yeah bitch, I'm really just fucking him on the side. *eyeroll* She's just mad she hasn't gotten laid in a year and a half...(that was mean. I'll go punish myself now)
This week was also difficult in the marriage arena because "Dipshit Eternal" got married. I discovered this when I checked his Facebook page. While not usually in the habit of Facebook stalking (lying to myself makes me feel better sometimes) I realized that DE hadn't messaged me in about a month. Usually, we have marathon discussions in which he tries to tell me I'm a Godless Heathen because I'm not his brand of Christian. Also, for a while there he was begging me to come back to him. So, color me shocked when I find out that he'd eloped the day I checked his Facebook page. I'm a catty bitch, I won't lie. I laughed at first. Then I ended up crying myself to sleep. The wife is twenty, schizophrenic and has a bowlcut. They've also known each other less than two months. DE couldn't handle my mild depression, I have no idea how he is going to handle schizophrenia. My anger comes from the fact that he spent 3 years with me, sleeping with me, holding my hand, promising marriage...and then split because he "couldn't handle me"...but in under two months he knows that this child is who he wants to be with. I worry that he married her because he wanted sex. I worry because I know somewhere inside that he will be unhappy.
I did the very bad thing of expressing this to DA. The man is a fucking saint. He calmly talked me down to a place where I wasn't depressed and looking for a gas stove. First man I've ever met who can truly pull me out of the depths of a funk. He says it just comes with the territory. He says he loves me truly, deeply, and more than anyone else he's ever met.
We talked. We discussed. He told me about his devil-ex. DA told me DE is gone now and to let it go finally. I destroyed DE's scrapbook. I threw out his cds. I threw out letters he'd written on scraps of paper. I threw out items I didn't know I still had. It's making moving easier, I'll tell you that. I did what I hadn't done before; I truly let DE go.
DA has loaned me some books on his religion. As previously mentioned he is pagan. I asked him to tell me more about his religion and offer up some reading material so I can be an informed girlfriend.
While scrolling through it tonight I found a ritual for Handfasting. It is the most beautiful ritual I've ever read. It is poetic and lovely and the words flow like water. They are not to be taken lightly. They are not the words of a couple who plans to divorce in six months. They are serious shit.
By seed and root, by bud and stem, by leaf and flower and fruit, but life and love, in the name of the Goddess, I take him, to my hand, my heart and my spirit, at the setting of the sun and the rising of the stars. Nor shall death part us, for in the fulness of time we shall be born again at the same time and in the same place as each other; and we shall meet, and know, and remember and love again.
I want it. I want it with DA. I want to wait to make sure that I truly want it with DA and it's not a gut reaction. We call these adult decisions. He is calm, patient, accepting. He has told me he can't wait to get his first dual paycheck and take me out. He is the kind of man I've prayed about daily since DE and I split. I am incredibly lucky.
All of this being said, DA and I are not planning a church-wedding, legally-binding marriage situation anytime soon. We both realize that we're not in a financial place for this, as much as it kills us. Also, the knowing each other for under 3 months is really pushing it. I want to date him for at least a year, know the basics of his quirks, etc. I want him to see the real me and get a greater taste of what it's like when I'm a screaming raving psycho bitch who needs her Diet Coke and a paperback. And, I want to live with him. In the end, we don't want a big wedding; that's my sister's bag. We want something simple, blessed, peaceful. We want the marriage to be the thing. But the M word is a scary thing neither of us is really ready for yet. In the meantime, it's have fun, be freeish and enjoy each other's company. If it's meant to happen, it will. (wow, I really wrote and believed that...who am I?)
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